The Gallery of Horrible Earthquake Movies
The purpose here is not to comment on the quality of the scripts (because
most storylines stick to formula for the genre) or acting (because some
movies showcased A-list actors on the marquee, while others hired those in
the studio parking lot that held highest their “Will work for food” sign).
Rather, the purpose here is to comment on the credibility of the earthquake damage (as depicted by a film industry that must embellish,
for box-office benefits). IMDB links are also provided for the deeply
curious.
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For unknown sociological reasons, the 1970's were sort of the haydays of disaster movies (see here). Topics covered ranged from sinking boat (“The Poseidon Advanture”), air disaster (“Airport”), high-rise fire (“The Towering Inferno”), and many more, including, of course, earthquake. “Earthquake” is the granddaddy of earthquake movies. Beyond being a “classic”, it is the film that launched Sensurround in movies theaters, a technology that pumped sub-audio waves at 120 decibels to immerse the audience in earthquake waves. Without that rumble, it is just another cookie-cutter diaster movie, with an all-star cast – although it is a “classic”. As for the earthquake damage: “B” for effort, as we are talking about mid-70's special effects here, after all. But it is a “classic” – in case that was not made clear. (IMDB Spec)
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Surprising. Bravo for looking at an earthquake outside of California (although, arguably, Hollywood went overboard, for effect). Notwithstanding the exaggeration, maybe the most credible set of earthquake damage of the bunch. “A-”. (IMDB Spec)
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B+Again, due to severe shortage of imagination for original titles (Spoiler alert) This Chinese production cleverly used the 1976 Tangshan and 2008 Sichuan earthquakes as bookmarks to human drama, weaving 32 years of China's history into a tearjerker that is surprisingly watchable (and probably even more so in its IMAX version). Although predictable (by those who know their seismic history), it is a testimonial to the 250,000 who died during the 1976 event. B+. (IMDB Spec)
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And now, tsunami stories... Not surprising, in the aftermath of the 2004 Indian Ocean earthquake and tsunami, and 2011 Tōhoku earthquake and tsunami, it was just a matter of time for Hollywood to try to cash-in. Although, in fairness, this one is actually watchable. According to Mr. Cranky's rating scale, it might have received only get “1 bomb” – which is a compliment. (IMDB Spec)
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Nothing memorable here. Made-for-TV movie, produced after the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake to capitalize on the public's sudden awareness of the risk in California, it preceeded the Northridge earthquake (Los Angeles) by about 3 years (both the movie and real earthquake were about hidden faults, but the similarities stop there). “C” because there has been worse. (IMDB Spec)
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FSupreme package for those ignoramus who like 3 hours doses of nonsense. A movie in which Southern California literally separates from the United States. A well deserved “F” across the board. Mind-bogling: A sequel was produced as a TV mini-series. (IMDB Spec)
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As the movie apparently could only afford to destroy 5 homes and a gas station in a hellhole in the middle of the desert, they were trashed beyond artistic license (with the means available in 1974). A few minutes might be of interest to those interested by non-structural damage. Another non-negociable “F”.
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F (0%)Again. Again. Evidently, there is always lots of aftershocks. The genius who got the brilliant idea of mashing an earthquake movie with a slasher horror flick succeeded in plunging the seventh art to new lows (and burn $2M in the process). Watching the film's thrashy characters flub their lines, soaked in gallons of fake blood, will make your eyes bleed. Films like this perfectly highlight the failure of the letter grade system, because F covers far to wide a range (from 0% to 60%). This one earns a solid F - of the 0% type. (IMDB Spec)
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It is a rare event to find all critiques agreeing on the rating for a movie. Exceptionally, here, they concurred that this one deserves a 0/10 grade (only because negative grades cannot be given). Bears no ressemblance to actual earthquakes and tsunamis, but shows that movies can technically be done by randomly recruiting the cast in a Walmart. Forcing detainees at Guantanamo to watch this might be a violation of human rights.
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A−Sure, chunks of concrete fall out of nowhere with no rhyme or reason, sure the ground moves in ways that would baffle any respectable seismologist, but... IMAX 3D!!! How not to love nonsense when it is projected on a 70ft x 50ft screen with 30,000 Watts of sound? All done with big name actors (a first since 1976). Just think of it as the “Fast and Furious” of earthquake movies, and enjoy the ride. Kudos for recognizing that shattered glass falling from buildings is a hazard (not all buildings have tempered glass). No kudos for destroying the Golden Gate Bridge... again, after Godzilla (2014), Kaiju (Pacific Rim 2013), and just about everything else (a video compilation of Hollywood attacks on Golden Gate Bridge can be seen here). San Andreas is as much about earthquakes as Star Wars is about rocket science, but lots of bonus points for its sheer entertainment value and for Sia's eerie slowed-down version (first minute only) of California Dreaming from the Mama's and Papa's. All this raises it up to an A-. (IMDB Spec)
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Apparently, purposely named (and released at about the same time) as the big-budget “San Andreas” movie - with a slightly longer title but a massively smaller budget. The targeted audience is those same folks who, driving to Orlando, would get off the highway and follow signs to DazeneyWorld, pay admission and wonder if the drunk clown and the ramshackle House of Mirrors are the Goofy and Space Mountain that everybody talked about. To avoid at all cost, unless one is particularly fond of special effects done with paper and scissors. A solid “F”. (IMDB Spec)
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9 More Reviews — The Blessings of DisasterNine additional earthquake movie reviews appear as an Interlude between Parts 1 and 2 of The Blessings of Disaster (Globe Pequot / Prometheus, 2022). Learn more about the book →
